It has been seven months since I've published anything on my blog due to the sorrow of having a nervous breakdown in February which began during the time I was posting on this blog but culminated in being hospitalized in February. How you might say did I allow this to happen to myself with having the amount of faith and belief in God that I have. My only answer is that I am human and the cares of this world had me so bogged down with grief and sorrow that I tried on my own to fix things that I alone could not fix.
I thought I had caused all the problems so it was therefore up to me to fix them. With much prayer and consultation with the medical profession as well as Christian brothers and sisters who know the real me and know that I would never do anything to purposely hurt anyone with my words or deeds have helped me to realize that a number far greater than one person is responsible in what happened to me and my family as a whole.
Without rehashing all the things that happened to me and my family let me summarily say that due to an indiscretion that was brought on by my husband due to the temptations we all have in our daily life in some form. My family has nearly been destroyed. My minister husband asked for forgiveness from God and told me about it and asked my forgiveness, which I did, but the personality I have led me to think I needed to confide in another pastor which I did locally and to my dismay it was spread all over our county and surrounding counties in such a way that has nearly killed my whole family. Gossip is what it has amounted to and unforgiving people who profess to have God as their leader just as we did and do destroyed many people in the process.
The indiscretion hurt me and was a personal thing between us and God and had been forgiven. I personally wanted to know if I had done the right thing by not bringing it before our church, is why I went to the brother. I had much confidence in him that he would tell me and do the right thing himself and that I could have this put behind me after 5 years. Emotionally is where it hurt me so bad as it would with any woman. However our church that we had devoted 36 years to forgave in the beginning but after so much talk they all turned their backs on us. Our association was divided and our churches split. Yes that is true over this indiscretion that hurt me personally, deeply and emotionally, but did not lead to a physical affair.
I began trying to tell everyone that I was wrong in going to the brother in church with my marriage problem and that I did not want my husband or anyone hurt for it especially our church and our association. Every attempt to try to convince people to drop it only led to more disappointment and more pain emotionally and physically for me and for my husband. I was drained, I could not sleep, I was crying myself to death and I could not think things out. I acted then reacted continuously till I was nearly collapsing every day. Then one day in my Dr.s office it was suggested that I needed help and I must say I truly did need help so bad. I was shaking from my head to my feet and on occasion I still do, but gradually every day I am improving.
I honestly thought there was no better for either of us but to wait till death came upon us. Now having regained some strength I can still see the purpose in life to do God's will no matter what man may think and so does my husband. It is just so extraordinary that most churches have policies that admonish or reprimand but still lovingly show mercy and forgive people when they are sorry and make mistakes. WE have learned a lesson that took us 36 years to recognize. I pray we live long enough to restore our faith in the church we loved so well and for so long.
Never would we condone or give merit to the things we've done wrong as being good but none of us are without faults and mistakes and the love of God should abound in us to the extent of forgiveness to our brothers or sisters who falter, admit it and ask forgiveness.
