For nearly three years now I have been leaning on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus to hold me up and see me through a problem that is no longer a problem to me, but has had a lasting effect on my family.
Leaning on Jesus has been an occupation of mine since I was a child and He has never failed me. I depended on Him even before my life was turned over to Him. I have failed Him far more than once and probably will till I die but it is not because that is what I want out of myself for Him. I want the best of me offered as an humble servant to Him in the capacity He has laid out for me. I am scared at times of what might be asked of me and other times I am full of all the strength and security that is available to me through His promises.
At times I may appear too bold. There is a constant warfare between the internal being and this outward being but I know the inward man has already won the battle against His foe and mine. Just as Paul describes his dilemma in Roman's that when he goes to do good evil is always present it is with each of us. As I've aged I have learned to detect Satan's conniving ways much better and am dissing him more and more each day. Praying, studying God's Word, mediatating and even singing from a froggy voice helps me to stay ever ready to ward off the bad thoughts, and the enticements that he throws at us in so many ways.
In August I lost my husband to a battle with cancer that could not be detected until 5 days before he passed away. His battle was more than his physical body could handle and God relieved him by taking him home. I say home because that is where he wanted to go. He would look upward, raise his hand upward and say he was going to Heaven for that was going to be his new home. He specifically told the grandchildren while they stood around his bed that Papaw was going to Heaven and he wanted them to come and be with him. He told all those who visited him that he was going home and to forgive him if he had done anything that had hurt them. He could barely utter anything but he muffled the words out to family and friends the best he could do. He had told me earlier that when he died no matter what the cause he would really be dying of a broken heart due to the pain he'd gone through earlier, but I believe he reconciled himself to all that and had worked through it. His main concern was God's will in his life and if that meant he had to leave us then it must be for a special cause.
In all the years I had watched him after his mining accident and his choking problem for thirty years and then his heart surgery, defibrilator, and all the rest, we seldom thought cancer would be what would take his life but that is exactly what happened and an insignificant skin cancer invaded the cranial nerves in his brain taking away sight in one eye, effecting his ears, his facial movements, losing his ability to swallow even a drop of water, and losing his ability to speak. The hardest thing for me to see and know about him was the loss of his swallowing. It was horrible.It broke my heart and even though it was horrendous for us he bravely accepted it. For a week before he had the feeding tube he had nothing whatsoever go in his body not even some of his medications. He accepted that and didn't want to have to ever take his medications again. However when they got the feeding tube in him he began receiving some medication through it.
Kenny was a brave man and a humble man in the end. A man anyone could look up to. Yes he had made mistakes but he truly loved God and God saw all his suffering over the years and had mercy on him to take him out of the trials of this world and give him rest. Every time I hear of an old acquaintance passing away I just say " Kenny welcome an old friend and rejoice together." I smile when I think of him meeting a new, old, acquaintance in paradise as they wait to enter Heaven someday with all of God's children. What a happy day that will be when all our loved ones we will see and look upon the face of the One who saved us by His grace. It makes me want to go home too.
Yes, it took me a while to get the post out concerning my life being re-aligned. I knew it was going to be but not exactly how it would be. I would have preferred in many ways that it be with Kenny by my side but that was not God's plan and His plan is a perfect plan, though in nature it hurts to have given him up, I know I must go on. The days are hard and the nights even worse but I feel the presence of the Lord with me and He comforts me and protects me. He is a loving God and a tender God full of mercy with His children. He knows my pain and He will provide strength for me.
I take refuge in that my children and I have moved on to a church that we are happy in and hope to be a help to as the months and years go by. I fell for the church for one reason because of the light that flows into it on a sunshiny day, but not just for that but because even before my husband died he visited there and they welcomed him there, offering to have him preach for them or sing. Even though he chose not to preach he did sing a few songs. He felt happy there too but could never give up on the church he was raised in for 60 years. He learned a lot and so did so many during those trying times. He felt love for so many people that came to him from other churches and was humbled in a way he'd never been before. I think it was God's way of showing Him how much He loved and wanted to teach him that there really were good people from all over and we should not judge so quickly and harshly based on the church they attended. The lessons we learned are long lasting and have a soul searching depth to them. We must look within ourselves to see if we are who and what we say we are before we try to search the hearts and souls of others. Discovering the Love of God He has for us and learning to love as He loves us is the key to a successful walk with him and for a joyous and fulfilling life and nothing can compare to a life walking in His will. So I will continue to lean on the Everlasting arms of my Savior and do the very best that this mortal and fallible human being can do for the one who saved my soul so long ago.
